Twenty Three

2023 feels like it passed in just a blink of an eye but when I thought I was done with it, all the memories came like a huge snowball right to my face.

I thought I have mastered all the pain you could imagine of a young adult in the middle of 20 but this year I figured out the most idiotic version of myself when I thought it couldn’t be any worse. The time I realized the sorrow the misery was just the consequence of the things I did (it’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me). Thank god my consciousness came back before I got more “injuries”.

The other injury I had was the time when I got nerve injury and it got me 3 months using neck collar at work and some trips (kinda like it more than those fluffy neck pillows ‘cause it’s more firm, hundred percents helps while you sleeping in your flight).

Despite all the injuries, we may find things are hard to swallow when you make mistakes, don’t reach goals, get lost in comparison among you and others, and believe all the negative things. But I got some help, met few souls, let people drag me to new activities, continue sharing joys with people that will stick around during bad times and a family that always got my back.

Above anything else, I learned that no one is worth your tears and peace of mind. And I will continue exercising on how to not accept anything less.

2024, I beg for joy, please be my hero.

The Quarter Century.

Kalau bisa jadi anak kecil terus, aku mau jadi anak kecil selamanya.

The concept of turning 25 can be quite daunting for some people. However, there is a silver lining to look forward to: our frontal lobe has finally fully developed (can we get a yay?).  That means you'll be better in decision making, have a greater ability to weigh the consequences of actions, and hopefully put an end to all those dumb things you used to do and maybe help you avoid getting into situations that could leave a lasting scar.

In my childlike thinking, I've always imagined that when someone turns 25, the minute they open their eyes that day, bam! They're instantly enlightened, seeing everything crystal clear, shining bright like the sun. They're pumped with positivity, motivation, and a kickass attitude to tackle the day head-on. Hence, being 25 has become something I've waited for.

So, it's been like a whole day of me officially being 25, and I'm still the same old me, doing the same stuff, thinking in the same way as I did when I was 24. I'm chowing down on the same food I've always loved, and my reactions are pretty much unchanged from when I was younger. So, for all the people who eagerly wait to turn 25, don't get too hyped up because, honestly, nothing mind-blowing happened LOL.

And to all those who are feeling anxious about the scary thoughts surrounding turning 25, let me tell you, it's not as terrifying as it seems. It's all good, nothing to worry about. Just take it in stride and keep on rocking!

-Nay

p.s. I'm 25 y'all!

Lebaran

Lebaran adalah selebrasi

Merayakan kehilangan

Tentang siapa yang pergi dan meninggalkan

Aku merangkai sisa memoriku sendiri

Ku pilih ku pantas pantas dengan hati

Diikat bagai bunga sedap malam

Lalu ku masukkan dalam vas di meja makan

Semoga elok dipandang ramai ramai

Selamat Lebaran

-Dari aku yang masih H-1

Staying.

Life is a series of leaving or being left behind; there is no in-between if staying is not an option. For some selfish reasons, I would choose to go rather than be the one who is left.

Because the last time someone did it, I struggled to think of why, and it took me years to finally dawn on me that it had to have happened and nothing on earth could change the way it was. 

But sometimes, I find myself self-debating whether to leave or stay because I don't want other people to feel lonely as they should not be. Ironically, I am the lonely one. Then it came to cross my mind, maybe I think about how others feel 'cause deeply I wish someone would sincerely think the same? 

Or simply, I don't want to leave, 

but if I don't do it, then they will be gone.

So, let's make this an option. Would you stay?

Refleksi, Refraksi

We’re in the middle of Ramadhan this year already, when I thought I just had my first Ramadhan not at home after the Covid-19 era, but it turned out to be last year.

Aku ingat betul, ambil snack dimsum favorit untuk buka puasa. Kemudian, buka puasa bersama, masih ramai. Ternyata aku rindu teman-teman.

Anyway, tulisan ini seharusnya tentang Ramadhan, maka ku kembalikan ke kodratnya. Bahwasannya Ramadhan adalah satu titik di setiap tahun, untuk berhenti sejenak, bernafas, dan melihat ke belakang dan mengamati sekeliling sejenak.

Ada yang datang ada yang pergi. Ada yang bertambah tinggi. Ada pula yang makin mahir menari.

Kalau aku? Ramadhan tahun ini aku pakai kacamata hahaha. Habis katanya berbahaya kalau menyetir malam-malam tapi tidak pakai kacamata, jadi ku pakai saja, meski menyetirnya belum bisa juga, setidaknya berjaga-jaga jika sewaktu-waktu aku mahir.

Kacamata yang ku pakai ternyata kadang berfungsi namun kadang juga tidak. Ia berfungsi kalau malam, ketika aku lihat lampu-lampu, dan kalau siang ketika lihat signage menjadi tidak berbayang. 

Anehnya kalau ku pakai melihat pemandangan kota dari gedung bertingkat, kenapa buram sekali ya? Warnanya abu-abu pula, bukan biru. Pagi, siang, sore, sama saja. 

Kacamataku juga tidak bisa ku pakai untuk membaca pikiran pikiran dan perasaan orang lain.

Mungkin kacamataku harus ku ganti, ya, biar jelas semua kelihatannya. Ku coba ganti deh, tahun depan.

---

Sudah April lagi.

Indecisive.

Satu hal yang lebih sulit menurutku dari soal matematika di sekolah dulu adalah: mengelola ekspektasi. 

Bagaimana jika orang-orang indecisive tidak benar-benar sesulit itu untuk menentukan sesuatu, justru itu adalah salah satu cara mereka untuk mengelola ekspektasi. Karena keputusan-keputusan kecil yang dibuat akan membentuk alur dan berbuah ekspektasi manis. Semakin sedikit keputusan yang dibuat, semakin kecil ekspektasi mereka terhadap apa yang akan terjadi.

Lalu bagaimana soal melepaskan dan memberikan kuasa?

Melempar pertanyaan kepada orang lain sama saja memberikan kuasa kepada orang lain untuk menentukan jalan cerita. Namun, di satu sisi kita tahu konsekuensinya sehingga menekan ekspektasi serendah-rendahnya akan lebih mudah. Kalau kamu diberikan kuasa oleh orang lain untuk menentukan jalan ceritanya, sebuah kehormatan, bukan?

Ah, tapi dunia di awal tahun ini sudah lucu. Aku coba menekan ekspektasi serendah-rendahnya, tapi ternyata kenyataan bisa lebih rendah lagi.

Ya sudahlah. Hari ini masih Rabu, hampir Kamis.

Selamat tidur.

-Nay