I was.

Not mine.

I was a freshman back then and we were grouped into 10-12 students with two mentors.

We were clueless about the future yet excited at the same time.

“My name is Nasya,” i said. And we took turn to introduce ourself to the others. Until one of the member of my group introduce her name.

She’s from faculty of medicine. And we curiously asked, 

“What is your motivation to be a doctor?”

“I’m from Ternate and there’s only 1 or 2 anesthesiologist, so I want to become one.”

(If you’re reading this, hi!)

And looking back at all the conversations, reasons, choices before this point of my life, I wish I had such a good reason for what I’m doing right now like she did.

Hope you guys find one :)

…

It’s the last day of 2021. Thank you for all the lessons and cheers to many more life choices!

Cita-cita.

I post regularly on my art dump account @madebynaye.

Waktu kecil, kira-kira usia SD, aku hanya suka gambar, nari, makan pakai menu sayur bayam dan lele goreng. Kalau ditanya cita-citanya jadi apa, aku jawab,

Jadi pelukis.

Kalau sekarang bertanya kepada orang-orang, cita-citanya bukan dokter, insinyur, atau guru. Jawabannya bukan lagi sebuah profesi tetapi harapan dalam bentuk gambaran diri 10-20 tahun lagi.

Kalau begitu, aku yang tanya, cita-citamu apa?

…

Dinding Kaca

Aku menangis di dalam toko roti yang meja dan kursinya menempel dengan dinding kaca. Di balik dinding itu, orang-orang tengah berteduh menunggu hujan reda.

Aku sedang menangis, tapi yang basah adalah wajah dan badan mereka, terbasuh buliran tipis air hujan yang tempias.

Selamat Ulang Tahun

 

Kinda miss my old editing style. Pinkish with grain (But this one is not that pinkish and with acceptable density of grain).

Seorang teman bercerita,

bahwa temannya tidak mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun padanya tahun ini.

Ia terlihat cukup kesal, meski ia bilang tidak juga. "Hanya menjadi pikiran saja," katanya.

Alih-alih ku anggap sebagai angin lalu, malah ku bawa tidur dan bertanya:

Mengapa bisa seseorang tidak mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun kepada orang lain yang hanya dilakukan satu kali setahun?

Kalau dipikirkan, tidak penting, ya? Tapi bagi sebagian orang, sepertinya tidak juga. Karena tanpa kita sadari, bagaimana bisa sebuah ucapan ulang tahun menjadi garis pengkotak-kotak dalam kehidupan kita sehari-hari? Nyatanya kini ucapan ulang tahun bisa menjadi penanda bahwa kita pernah cukup dekat atau tidak sama sekali.

Lantas, bagaimana dengan ucapan dan doa yang hanya diucap dalam hati dan tidak disampaikan langsung secara lisan atau tulisan kepada orang lain?

Apakah itu arti sebenarnya bahwa kita jauh tapi dekat di hati? Karena memang hanya hati yang tahu dan berkomunikasi?

Selamat hari Rabu.

Mariuk.

 

"Minggu depan trekking, yuk!"

Gas.

Emang yang mendadak selalu jadi.

Sebenernya kita janjian sama abang tour guide jam 6.30, tapi baru sampai Sentul jam 7.30 hehe.

Kira-kira 7.50 kita berangkat naik pick up dari Sentul, tanpa tahu kalo jalanannya lumayan challenging ya, Kak, tanjakan dan turunan, jalan kecil. Biar lebih deskriptif, intinya kita harus pegangan, kalo gak kejungkal lol.

After 1 hour driving to the start point, we arrived and are treated by this breathtaking view.

Mau pemanasan dulu gak?

Mau, Mas!

Abis pemanasan baru deh kita start.

Ok go. Baru awal udah nanjak, berasa banget di paha lol. Thanks to mas tour guide for taking this pict.

"Mas, istirahat dulu."

Taking photos while ngos-ngosan. Thank God the medium level track was fully occupied so we took the easy level track.

Arrived at the main destination, Curug Mariuk.

Manggil-mangil buat nyebur. By the time your skin touch the cold water, rasanya kaya refreshed lahir batin.

Duduk aja bahagia.

Jujur bukan termasuk golongan yang suka menikmati alam (karena udah kelamaan tinggal di leuweung haha) tapi bener bener berkesan banget kayanya jalan-jalan kali ini.

Looking forward to have more adventurous trips!

p.s. credit to friends and mas mas tour guide for all the documentations.

Karena,

Digging my old folders and found my sg trip photos from years ago where everything seemed easy and uncomplicated. And also to find how bad my photo quality was back then, this is the only thing I could complain to my younger version.

Kita—yang suka menulis cerita di malam-malam yang kadang sepi, kadang juga ramai—tentu tahu bahwa tidak semua yang kita tulis adalah tentang kita sendiri, tidak semua yang aku tulis adalah kamu. Tidak semua tulisanmu adalah aku.

Aku tahu sekali.

Namun, kita juga tahu, kalau kata-kata tidak sembarang dibuat. Tiap pilihan diksi diracik dengan teka-teki yang kandungannya bisa berasal dari kisahku, kisahmu, orang lain, atau kisah kucing-kucing di rumah yang hobinya bunting melulu. Bisa juga kisah tentang cangkir yang bosan sehari-hari hanya dipajang dan menonton manusia lalu lalang.

Kalau bicara soal kisah yang dikandung di dalam kata-kata, aku juga jadi sadar. Bahwa menulis untuk beberapa orang, adalah sebuah tindakan reaktif akan sesuatu hal. Sebab akibat begitu singkatnya.

Aku mungkin menulis, karena kemarin dapat doorprize seperangkat handuk dari kantor. Ku ceritakan apa warnanya, jumlahnya, teksturnya. 

Atau, ku menulis karena si kucing yang hobinya bunting, kemarin melahirkan dua anak lagi, lucu lucu.

Aku juga mungkin menulis, karena kamu.

Tapi pertanyaannya, apakah kamu pernah menulis, karena aku?

Masih awal September.

Ternyata sudah Senin.

Oktober 2019.

Been digging my drafts, this one deserves to be posted.

Karena absennya saya dari menulis dua tahun lalu, saya ingin coba menulis beberapa peristiwa yang akan saya apresiasi terus menerus.

Alkisah sedang berada di study room yang dinamai lab laptop. Nada saya agak tinggi kepada dua teman saya. Tinggal menghitung hari menuju keberangkatan ke Bandung untuk mengikuti final sebuah kompetisi.

"Ya sudah, sekarang maunya gimana?" tanya salah satunya.

"Ya coba jalanin dulu satu course, gue gak mau dateng ke final lagi dengan bawa kesalahan yang sama. Ini sama aja kayak tahun lalu."

Kalau dipikir pikir memang saya sering ngotot dan keras kepala, but I've never been so proud of being stubborn that day and I couldn't imagine if my friend didn't agree. Thank you for believing me.

Beberapa hari selanjutnya, saya yang jarang minum kopi jadi memesan kopi tiap jam 12 siang untuk menjaga mood, kewarasan, dan melawan kantuk. Teman-teman saya sepertinya lebih parah.

Satu hari sebelum kompetisi. Di sebuah meeting room hotel tempat menginap para delegasi. Suasana benar-benar panas karena latihan belum maksimal. Saya sudah terlanjur bad mood karena tidak kunjung hafal script, fokus salah satu teman saya terbagi-bagi hingga menjadi grogi, dan teman yang lain tetap mencoba berkepala dingin meskipun saya tahu rasanya sudah tidak nyaman juga. Akhirnya teman saya yang kehilangan fokus memutuskan untuk kembali ke kamar lebih dulu untuk mempersiapkan diri, sementara saya dan teman saya yang lain gladi resik presentasi di depan dosen sambil menahan kantuk dan mood jelek karena lelah. Malam itu tidak berjalan lancar.

Esok paginya saya dan salah satu teman saya kembali berlatih karena jadwal presentasi setelah sholat jumat, sementara teman saya yang semalam kehilangan fokus harus berkompetisi pada cabang lain terlebih dahulu. Pagi itu cukup sibuk. Singkat cerita setelah beberapa drama yang terjadi dan mood jelek saya sejak semalam (di sini memang saya tokoh antagonisnya hahaha), kami berhasil melakukan presentasi final di depan juri. Kami pun pulang ke hotel untuk beristirahat dan mencari pengalihan.

Keesokan siangnya kami merayakan kegagalan maupun keberhasilan yang mungkin akan kami dapat dengan makan di salah satu resto di Bandung. Sorenya kami bergegas kembali ke hotel untuk berangkat bersama teman-teman lain menuju venue Malam Apresiasi.

Seingat saya, kami cabang kompetisi terakhir yang diumumkan. Sesi menunggu dan berdebar berlangsung cukup lama serta beratnya beban-beban yang kami bawa mengingat perebutan juara umum cukup sengit. Namun akhirnya pada malam itu juga semuanya terbayar begitu nama kelompok kami disebut (bahkan saya hanya mendengar awalannya saja dan baru menyadari kalau pelafalannya salah ketika menonton rekamannya di Youtube). Rasanya ingin memeluk semua orang yang ada di dekat saya saat itu sambil menangis. Masih ingat betul ketika akan berfoto bersama di atas panggung, saya menangis di belakang yang lain sambil memeluk dosen (yang bahkan bukan dosen pembimbing tim saya). Malam itu bahagia sekali.

Saya bukan penganut aturan 80/20. Saya yakin teman-teman dan saya sudah bekerja maksimal melebihi angka 20% itu dan mendapat hasil yang diinginkan, karena saya yakin usaha sebanding dengan hasil. Tentunya disertai dengan do'a dan kehendak Tuhan.

Terima kasih teman-teman untuk peluh peluhnya karena rasanya tidak pernah puas untuk mengenang dan membayar masa-masanya. Semoga bisa dijadikan pengingat suatu hari kalau kita pernah sekuat itu.

Yuk dimulai lagi.
-Nay

Na-bi

Nevertheless, I still...

...can't deny.

Seeing your name popping up on my story viewers list, is definitely one thing I always wanted.

Damn it.

Cliche as it sounds, but here we are. Back at my prison of feelings that I've built myself. Stupid.

12.18 pm.

You weren't there. Your name.
Where have you've been? Busy with your 'butterflies" thingy? Or busy with someone else? Oh is it a person?

3.30 pm.

Definitely you are working on your weekend, aren't you?

But today, I'm all thinking and questioning, why the hell I'm so into you? Why can't I get over you? The feeling when I'm with you is all my heart wants. You are the definition of comfort as a person.

And now I realized, I like puzzles, mysteries, and you're definitely one of those.

You're the puzzle I couldn''t ever solved.

8.31pm.

A piece of my life-long puzzle. Here you are.

...

The new series Nevertheless, based on a webtoon story that I've read previously. My second korean drama series I've ever finished.

The others might find themselves in anger since the ending isn't realistic enough compared to the whole story that are so damn relatable and realistic. But in my desperate life and with my daydreaming hobby, I surely like the drama one, the alternate one.

'Cause the truth is, we sometimes that stupid, making the same mistake, choosing things that make ourselves hurting over and over again. We are Na-bi in our own story.

That's the reality.

Leave before you love me.

Forgive me I'm bad at creating titles.

Day 1

Gather around at 8.00 in the morning after months of not seeing each other in person. We headed to Bandung around 8.30 from Bono's house and make a stop at Ilmi's to pick up BBQ stuff.

After a thrilling driving experience by Ivan (I actually felt so so 'cause I can't drive lol), hungry zombies arrived at Bandung around 12. We directly went to Baso Enggal Malang for lunch.

Since our Villa is located on higher location in Bandung, so we bought some groceries at the supermarket in BIP.

After debating about how much Indomie we should buy, it was around 3 or 4, but we were allowed to check-in at 5 pm. So, we went to a cafe 20 minutes far from our Villa (but not that near tho) while waiting for the host to prepare the house.

After another thrilling driving experience since it has an uphill road along the way, we arrived at the super windy cafe called D'Pakar that I should take a Panadol and Antangin after.

We arrived at our Villa around 7 after ordering Nasi Goreng in Dago. The Villa is super nice, clean, and spacy enough for the six of us. It has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living room, kitchen, and backyard on the second floor.

Uh oh sorry Bono and Rehan.

These pictures couldn't describe more about how windy the weather was.

Day 2

Work, work, work, karaoke, cards, repeat.

And at night we went out to pick up Salvi at the train station but before that, we made a stop at the almighty Sei Sapi Lamalera because skipping it must be a sin.

Our love.

Day 3

Work, work, work.

Vira was taking a leave TO GIVE A DEDICATED TIME TAKING CARE ALL OF US AND PREPARING MEALS AND PREPARING OUR BBQ NIGHT lol Vir.

And yes, the BBQ time!

Nasi goreng campur campur for breakfast using the leftovers from yesterday.

Saikoro.

Day 4

Last day of our short staycation. Some of us got up early to buy some pricey-but-not-so-good porridges while I was still on the bed and woke up to found the Villa was almost empty (there was only me, Salvi, and Ilmi left)

We checked out around 10.30 after done a Lebaran-like photoshoot.

As we went out, we planned to go to Taman Hutan Raya but we wanted to make it challenging so we CHOSE one-minute-faster way through a small bumpy road--not forget to mention uphill roads--using an automatic car. We arrived at Tahura safely, thanks to our best driver, Rehan.

After walking around Tahura, we went to Cocorico to had lunch. And after that, we headed to the train station to drop Salvi off.

After saying goodbye to Salvi, we went to buy some pastries and brownies then we off to Gormeteria to taste their famous crepes cakes and took some not-fancy-but-ok photos.

Then, we drop Rehan off that wanted to extend one more night (with whom?!) in Bandung. And we headed back to Jakarta around 5.30 with 3 hours full of karaoke.

Lebar-an.

Tahura.

Forgot when was the last time I put so many words in a post and here it is. And Bandung is the only one that could said "Leave before you love me" 'cause if we stay one more minute then we are going to fall in love with it, yes?

-Nay

p.s. unedited pictures because mager

p.p.s. not all the pictures are mine, credit to friends!

Past.

Oh, please don't judge. I tried.

I have to admit, everyday we learn something new, even the small one, and at the end of the year, we'll look back how it was started then make a conclusion of a story and prepare for another one.

You will say, this year taught me so much. Every year. But the truth is, you are the one who grows and takes some lessons of everyday situation. You adapt to some new consequences, meet new people, face different problems, and learn from it. Because if you don't learn, take a point of it, the word "this year taught me so much" will never crossed your mind.

2020 may be as bad as someone cancel a plan in the last minute. Everyone had been swearing intensively ever since the first case was announced. I also felt so mad at my boring routines. But then I looked closer and realized, the only thing that made it looks bad, was my ego and stupid standard, that would never bring a joy or goodness for myself. I lack nothing. I've been feeling more complete than the last 7 years I wasn't home.

But last year's story isn't only about the pandemic. I'm talking about something that slipped away a long time ago, then it came back for saying hi, then went away forever. But this time was different since you've got the answer you've been searching all these time. It's an ease of mind anyway and also a sad truth, but it has to be done like that.

It really taught me that we could have a plan, but who are we really compared to God's plan?

Dark already.

Happy new year

2021.

-Nay